How I broke with my faith, extract, book 3, shaping, part 1

book 3, shaping, part 1, 3 October

WARNING: If you are a person of faith, you might not want to read this.

The third floor was emptying as most team members went down to the atrium for their lunch break. Alice didn’t feel hungry, and remembering that the Gods Garden group had their break earlier and were in session again, Alice strolled to the other side of the third floor, passing conference room 2 where Jack was talking with Amahle. Arts and Ecology. 

Alice was just wondering which connections these two teams had discovered when raised voices, coming from behind the door of conference room 3, caught her attention. Closer to the door Alice stopped and listened.

‘How about I call Alice to the meeting?’ Kim retorted angrily.

‘That’s cheap!’ Hugh shot back.

‘No, your remark was cheap. I’m calling for a break.’

‘We just had one.’

‘Obviously our lunch break wasn’t long enough!’

Alice heard Kim leave the stage, and immediately people started talking again, some voices aggressive, others trying to mediate. Before long, Alice could distinguish Kim’s hurried steps again. Moments later, Kim flung open the door, stormed out, passed Alice and stopped abruptly.

Turning slowly, Kim looked at Alice, incredulous and embarrassed. 

‘Was my remark cheap?’ Kim asked flatly.

‘Yes, and so was his.’

‘Someone called you?’

‘No, we’re on a break. And I thought I might sneak into your meeting for a few moments.’

‘Timed it well.’

‘Not intentionally,’ Alice said. ‘I could add a few thoughts if you want me to. I can also pretend I never came this way, and leave.’

‘No. Please, come in. If you flare up, I will definitely calm down.’

‘Because one of us has to be sensible?’

‘Yes,’ Kim returned, and finally smiled a little.

Kim and Alice entered conference room 3, and in seconds everyone stopped talking, all eyes on Alice.

Alice was tempted to sit down on the edge of the stage, to calm herself, but she wasn’t calm enough to do it, which was a nice contradiction that almost put a half-smile on her face. 

Meeting the eyes of her tense team, Alice said: ‘I was coming this way when I caught a few snippets of your dispute. To be honest, listening made me feel sick because it reminded me that disputes are something religions inspire. We feel so strongly about our beliefs that we want to lash out at those who don’t understand what is true, or at those who believe something different. A religious belief can have a great power over us. And it can mean so much to us that we hurt the people around us.’ Alice paused and took a deep breath. She could sense that she had an audience, and she knew that she had better not mess up this little contribution. Alice exhaled. ‘The reason why I stay out of the Gods Garden discussions is that I have been both a victim of religious groups and a perpetrator. I have caused harm because of my beliefs. Both of these experiences, victim and perpetrator, have left me damaged. And while I want to be as objective as possible about religions, it is much easier for me to lash out about them, and much closer to how I feel. But that is personal, and it shouldn’t influence the town. It always helps me to remind myself why we build our town: we attempt to find out what it takes so that a human can thrive, enjoy life, contribute, connect, be healthy. And for our quest we need to be free, free to question everything. And that is why I took the decision to keep religions out of our town, for the time of the experiment, and to offer a garden for all gods, outside of town, for those who want to be part of our experiment but who, at the same time, don’t want to forgo their religion. The Gods Garden is an offer. But I also want it to be a reminder of two essential points. Point one: religions play a major role on our planet. So in our explorations about what is good for humans and for human interactions, some of us will take a closer look at religions. Point two: religions will be a warning to us, to our project. Because any group who comes up with ultimate answers, any group who builds a one and only model will eventually seek to tell others how to live, how to think, how to dress, how to express themselves. We don’t want that. We want to explore, and while doing so, we want to empower and celebrate diversity. In fact, instead of creating a rulebook, we want to create an environment where the human can be free, where the human can, within the limits of a codex, express themselves in the way most fitting for their talents and inclinations, an environment where doctrines, single-mindedness, superiority complexes or power struggles have no place, no relevance, no hold over us. I know that the history of our planet has made many into advocates of respecting religious freedom. But going by my experiences, it shouldn’t be about respecting religion or about religious freedom. If we really want religions, then the questions should be: How can religions become safe for the participants? How can religious people be kept from catching and manipulating children, like they did with me? How can religious groups be inspired to self-reflect? How can they find ways out of their divides and fights? What can religious groups do to get away from telling others how to live, how to read a holy text, like I did? Also, it might be interesting to dig deeper at that point and find out why people follow a religion, and what the demands of a religion are meant to achieve. So I would ask: What is at the core of being religious (as in being a believer)? What is at the core of leading a religious group (as in being the one who thinks they should guide and judge the believers)? Who are these people and why?’ Alice paused. ‘Religions divided us into Christians, Muslims, Hindi and many other groups. Enlightenment divided us into races. Our project wants a way out of divides. Simply embracing practices which caused divides in the first place, won’t help. Rethinking religions might. Our Gods Garden might become a place where believers can open up in a safe space, be honest, assess the damage done by their practices while at the same time clarifying the potentials of their belief. Well, like I said earlier, this is too personal for me to trust myself on this subject. But if you want to ask a few questions, go ahead. Yes, Lareina?’

‘In Mexico, my country, the catholic church is very dominant. I cannot imagine how a believer could be inspired to be honest about the damages done. Can I ask you: How did you break with your faith? It’s seems such an impossible thing to do.’

Alice inhaled slowly, then she sat down on the edge of the stage and closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened her eyes again, she said: ‘Strangely, I think it was love that opened a door. But before I tell you a little more, allow me to warn you. I have seen multiple dark times in my life, but nothing, so far, was as devastating as breaking with my faith. I have no regrets. And yet, I wouldn’t wish that experience on the worst of my enemies.’

Alice looked at her audience, tense faces everywhere. ‘If anyone would rather leave before I continue, please, feel free to do so.’

(/You won’t be able to unread the following.)*

Alice waited for more than a minute, her eyes closed, her mind trying to find the kind of calm which would allow her to recall events from decades ago — without hurting, without lashing out.

When Alice opened her eyes, everyone was still looking at her. 

Alice exhaled. ‘I was eleven when I got drawn into an evangelical free church. By the time I was fifteen, this group was entangled in a fierce dispute about how to interpret the bible, and I actively engaged in the arguments. The dispute ended with one group being locked out of the church. I was part of the locked out group. We, the true believers, we the unjustly punished and expelled established a new group, a better group, a group who would be true to God’s word and not water down the holy texts. You see, in religious circles there is even a competition about who gets God the most right, and who is the better and the most humble servant. It took only four or five years until this better group was deeply entangled in disputes. This time I got much closer to the frontline because some of my friends were directly involved. And that was were love came in. I had a best friend. At the time we were both strong believers. She was married to one of the main activists, and we rebels lived together. Five of us. I remember a night. My friend and I were sitting together, in pain about the fights, confounded. How could this be happening again? And doubts seeped in. That night my friend asked some fundamental questions, questions we had answered hundreds of times as true believers and messengers of God’s word. But as I sat across from her, these well-known answers suddenly appeared shallow, insufficient. How could I tell her, who was so dear to me, how could I feed her those generalised, automated answers, those ready-to-serve statements? I couldn’t. I loved her too much to tell her that God would sort out everything, that everything was as it should be. God had a plan. For her, I needed something better, something meaningful, something real. And the painful truth is: I hadn’t noticed before that I had been preaching platitudes for years. Nor had I realised how disrespectful empty words and empty promises are.’

Alice gave herself a moment to let the pain from the past echo through her mind. Then she exhaled and continued. ‘This conversation shattered the foundations of everything I believed, and it set a process in motion which eventually led me to realise that I hadn’t even been teaching or following God’s wisdom but the interpretations of the bible by men. And I swore to myself never to do that again. I will never again follow the teachings of men — or women, or anyone else. And I will never again become a teacher of truths. At some point in this process, I did something radical, something which might not surprise you. I decided to treat my mind like a room. The first thing I did was to empty it, push everything out I thought I knew: thoughts, beliefs, rules, perceptions, views, and pile them all up outside of that room. The next step was to take a close look at every item on the pile and ask: What are you? What are you for? Are you real? Is there a good reason to put you back into my mind? And even: Do I really want to believe or think that?’ Alice paused, briefly closing her eyes. ‘What followed was hell because nothing passed the test, not a single thought, idea or belief I had held for years could convince me again. There was nothing I wanted to put back into my mind.’ Alice exhaled. ‘As a consequence, I eventually left the evangelical free church — and with that I lost everything: my friends, my purpose, my life. I was twenty-two, and everything that had mattered to me, everything that was my life and my future was lost. There were two journeys to the Isle of Lewis in Scotland which played a vital role in bringing me back to life. The full story has a lot more layers and ups and downs to it, but this I will add: It took me over a year to find the defiance to say: Screw you all! I am alive and so I will live. I had nightmares for decades. They changed over time, and I remember a dream: I sat at a table with some of the important members of my former group, and for the first time ever, I could wholeheartedly laugh about them. I woke up and knew that my mind had made a leap towards healing — which was great, but it still took over a decade before the nightmares dwindled into rare shadows.’ Alice took a deep breath. ‘You know, having a faith doesn’t have to mean that you are a nutcase, a caught person or delusional. A belief can be deeply rational, and a connection to a bigger idea, even a bigger sensation, an opportunity to exist for a clearly defined purpose, the purpose to serve a god. And a belief can be a basis for connecting to other people who share that same belief. Having something that connects us is powerful, wholesome and probably vital to our wellbeing. A true belief is strong and has some value and maybe some validity. To decry a true belief as stupidity is ignorant. Just as it is ignorant to believe that there could be a one and only true faith, or that such a faith could ever serve us. I don’t know whether any god or gods had a hand in creating this amazing planet and all the amazing creatures on it, us included, but which wise god would want their creations to harm each other and to destroy their very own existence?’ Alice shook her head. ‘But regardless of whether there is a god or several or none, we should use the minds we have to embrace everything this planet and our fellow humans have to offer instead of insisting on stories, rules and divisions which have brought more devastation to individuals and whole continents than anyone will ever be eager to admit. Kahu said the other day: With every narrative we can ask: What is the record of this narrative? Does this narrative serve us? Is there a better alternative? From what I have seen, religions have served us little and have destroyed much. From where I stand, we are capable of creating narratives which can serve us better: such as realising that we have the most to offer and the most to gain if we come together, if we create together, if we shape our world together. I can’t see a true god, a creator of humans and nature, object to that.’ Alice exhaled and added: ‘I will take two more questions, today. Angus?’

*(/) ‘Thank you for sharing your experiences. I think I understand the objectives for the Gods Garden better now. But despite of what you just said, I believe religions are part of who we are. They’re part of our heritage.’

Alice sighed, her eyes briefly on Farid who returned her gaze with the kind of silence that was both strong and puzzling. It gave nothing away, but at the same time Alice was certain that her every word was weighed.

Alice looked at Angus again. ‘If we as humanity are honest with ourselves and with each other, then we have to concede that the world as it is makes us sick, and that we are destroying our habitat, the basis of all life. That is a call to action, not a call to hold on to what was. What was is partially responsible for the mess we are in today. Ideally, we can look at past ideas and test them for wear in our time, keep the good things, invent new things. Let’s not hold on to thoughts or practices only because those have been around for a long time. Let’s ask instead what we need, and let’s strive to shape a world which has untangled itself from its damaging practices and narratives. And for that, we can’t make any exceptions. Kim?’

Kim smiled thoughtfully. ‘Thank you. There is one question, I keep hearing: Doesn’t faith contribute to the human’s wellbeing?’

Alice twitched the corner of her mouth into a quarter-smile. ‘I want to keep out of this subject for personal reasons, but I encourage everyone who can face it with calm and objectivity to explore what we can learn from religions. A few things come to my mind: a private faith can serve as a self-regulating construct. Like, I imagine God would disapprove if I acted like an idiot, so I don’t. Though, I think self-regulation should be possible without being afraid of displeasing a higher being. Let me try again. I always loved singing. It’s something that connects us to each other and feels good. And here is another one, on a good day and if you are a good Christian, you have this great community which shares a belief and a mission. That seems to be something positive for us humans. Can we translate this in a way that filters out the damaging aspects of these communities, like constantly judging who is a good Christian, thinking in black and white, right or wrong, repressing people due to gender, keeping people from exploring freely, tricking people into submission, and now I’d better stop. As you can see, I can make a few good starts, but I still can’t stay on track. Now, I won’t stay much longer. But I wouldn’t mind a brief summary of what you have discussed so far. Before your fight.’

Alice left the stage, meeting the thoughtful glances of her team, and positioned herself near the door. The urge to just leave was strong, but her curiosity made her find Beatrice’s face.

Beatrice, the head of the Admin Team, nodded and stood up from an armchair. ‘I’ll make a start. Alice, thank you for sharing your experiences. I knew a little, but what you shared today is quite a bit to digest. Since we decided that the Admin Team will be tasked with coordinating everything in connection with the Gods Garden, it is us who get the phone calls from religious groups and individuals who warn us that our Gods Garden is seen as an affront and will be opposed. So far, we have no group who wants a representation in the Gods Garden, but at the same time, there are about fifty groups who asked to be kept up to date. We suspect that the moment one group decides to build a representative building in the Gods Garden others will follow. Our team works closely with Security to keep us and the garden safe. That’s all from me,’ Beatrice said and sat down on a bolster.

There was an exchange of glances between Kaya, the head of the South Africa Team, and Renshu, the head of the China Team. 

Then they stood up and Kaya said: ‘Thank you, Alice, for sharing your intense story. I have questions, later. For now, Renshu and me will give you a brief summary. In the first part of our meeting, we identified which religious groups should get a plot in the Gods Garden, since space in the garden will be limited. Our research into Islam brought up an interesting category. A significant number of Muslims call themselves Just Muslim without a reference to the major Islamic groups. We took this as an inspiration and gave each major religion a plot for believers who don’t identify with a specific group.’

Renshu nodded. ‘We more or less agreed to view the following as major religious groups: Christianity, Islam, Hinduism and Buddhism. The present layout of the garden will have between twenty-four and thirty-six plots. Each major religion will get four.’

Kaya nodded. ‘The centre of the garden will be a neutral area with pavilions for discussions and probably an information centre for visitors. We also talked about a special pavilion in this neutral area for unaffiliated people, which account for over a billion people worldwide. But since their defining characteristic is that they don’t have a god, we decided against it.’ 

Renshu looked at his notes and said: ‘We had a longer discussion about Hinduism. The Supreme Court of India stated: “Unlike other religions in the World, the Hindu religion does not claim any one Prophet, it does not worship any one God, it does not believe in any one philosophic concept, it does not follow any one act of religious rites or performances; in fact, it does not satisfy the traditional features of a religion or creed. It is a way of life and nothing more.” Despite this statement and because a number of gods are involved, we believe that the four plots for Hinduism are justified.’ 

Kaya smiled. ‘Globally, the fifth largest religious group is termed Folk religion, and it is even harder to define than Hinduism. In The Concise Oxford Dictionary of World Religions, John Bowker writes that folk religion is either a “religion which occurs in small, local communities which does not adhere to the norms of large systems” or it is “the appropriation of religious beliefs and practices at a popular level.” Folk religion can include variations of major religions, but also practices like witchcraft and Shamanism. Or it can be a blend of religious beliefs with native folk beliefs and practices. After a longer discussion, we decided not to include folk religions, since the garden is for gods not for religions. But we will consider including a park or forest clearing outside of town for folk religions.’

Renshu nodded. ‘An open question is whether to allocate the other plots only if another religion has a following in town, or whether we should fill those plots with the religions present in the region where we build our town, or if we should allocate those plots according to the principle: first come first served. The location of our town should play a role. If the town was built in China, for example, we should add most of the medium sized religions like Taoism, Shinto or Sikhism.’

Kaya smiled. ‘If we went to South Africa, we might want to open a whole new discussion about ancient native beliefs.’

Renshu returned Kaya’s smile and said: ‘If the town project stayed in Europe, it’s not likely that we’ll have any significant numbers of followers of these religions or beliefs, but having those groups represented in the Gods Garden might be relevant for tourists.’

Kaya sighed a little. ‘We got into our argument when I brought up the question of how we want to deal with religious texts. Will those be available in our town, in bookshops or in the library? Immediately someone said that banning religious texts from the town would be going too far. Before we started getting loud and into all sorts of arguments, Navarro suggested a library at the centre of the Gods Garden, complete with a bookshop, café and reading rooms. That’s roughly how far we got.’

While listening, Alice’s frown had deepened. ‘That is a good question,’ she said slowly. ‘I like the idea of a library in the Gods Garden, and I’d prefer it if we could have a clear cut between the town and the Gods Garden. Remember this is an experiment. The more we water down our parameters the less reliable or even telling our results will be. But the experiment is not about finding out what a town is like without religions. It’s about finding out what is good for humans without reference or even interference from religions. We explore to discover, to heal, to find out how we can thrive.’

Many nodded and another discussion began. This time thoughtfully and searching — instead of clashing.

Alice didn’t stay long. Mostly because her stomach was rumbling, but also because no matter how much she tried to be sensible about this subject, it still made her feel sick. With a nod at Kim, Alice quietly slipped out of the conference room.

Outside she leaned against the railing and looked down into the atrium to give herself a moment to clear her mind and to prepare herself to re-enter the architecture meeting— No, first she needed something to eat.

A noise made Alice turn. Navarro was leaving the conference room, too. ‘Glad to catch you,’ he said. ‘I was hoping you could smuggle me into the architecture meeting.’

‘Sure. But why?’

‘I don’t want to miss the presentation for our town library. It will be fantastic.’

Alice smiled. ‘Fair enough. But I need something to eat first. Do you want to come?’

A little later, Alice and Navarro took the lift to the atrium, and Alice asked: ‘What did you make of my talk?’

‘Helpful. Sad. Personal experience is powerful. A lot of people have been brought up to believe that religions are good or should, at least, be respected. Your testimony shakes the belief that a decent person never takes a critical look at religions.’

‘Hm. Do you think the Gods Garden is a good idea?’

‘I’m not particularly fond of it,’ Navarro replied, ‘and it will get us into trouble. But I can’t think of a better alternative. We can’t ignore religions. That’s the trouble.’

‘It’s not just that we can’t ignore them,’ Alice said. ‘The deeper I dig in my search to understand what went wrong with us humans the more often I come across religions at the roots of some of our problems. I just still try to dig around those roots, and even sometimes wish I could pray that I’m wrong.’

Navarro smiled a little. ‘I fear we need to understand better why religions are at the roots of so many negative developments. And let’s not forget, they also did some good.’ 

‘Did they though?’ Alice asked as they left the lift and walked towards the bar. ‘What’s good about creating a mindset that facilitates exploitation while it celebrates feeding the poor, who are only poor because the church indulged kings and nobles?’

‘As you say, we need to dig deeper.’

‘To say nothing about the hobby therapists, the lack of protection for children and young adults, and the insistence on making people feel bad about themselves and their bodies and—’ Seeing Navarro’s smile, Alice took a deep breath. ‘OK. We will dig deeper. I loved what you said the other day: There is no good and evil. There is just us.’